Ultimate Guide to the Japanese Funeral
By Christina Economos | August 1st, 2025
A Japanese funeral is a powerful blend of tradition, ritual, and quiet reverence. Whether you’re attending one, supporting someone who is, or simply curious about the customs, understanding what actually happens can help you show respect and avoid missteps. From incense offerings to family gravesites, Japanese funerals reflect deep cultural values that might feel unfamiliar at first, but they’re rich with meaning. Here’s what to expect, what to wear, and how to participate with care.
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From Wake to Cremation: The Heart of Japanese Funerals
Role of Religion in a Japanese Funeral
Japanese funerals are deeply influenced by both Buddhism and Shintoism. While many people may not actively practice these religions in daily life, Buddhist-style funerals remain the most common. These ceremonies often include chanting by monks, offerings, and cremation, practices rooted in Buddhist tradition. Shinto elements, such as purification rituals or beliefs in ancestral spirits, may also be present, reflecting the layered spiritual landscape of Japan. In this context, ancestral spirits likely refer to the Shinto belief that deceased family members continue to exist as protective or guiding kami, honored through rituals and offerings.
How Important is Religion in a Japanese Funeral?
Even for those who don’t actively practice Buddhism or Shintoism, religious tradition still shapes most Japanese funerals. Buddhist customs like monk-led chanting, incense, and cremation are common, while Shinto influences, such as purification and honoring ancestral spirits, may also appear.
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What Really Happens at a Japanese Funeral
In this section, we’ll walk through the typical steps of a Japanese funeral, starting with the wake, followed by the funeral ceremony, and concluding with cremation, each stage with its own customs and meaning.
通夜 (Tsuuya)- Wake
The tsuuya (通夜), or wake, is a deeply meaningful and emotional component of a traditional Japanese funeral, typically held on the evening before the main funeral ceremony, known as 葬儀 (sougi). While the funeral itself is more formal and often attended by a wider group of mourners, the tsuuya is usually reserved for close family members, relatives, and intimate friends.
This gathering allows loved ones to spend one last night with the deceased, reflecting on their memories and offering prayers in a quieter, more personal setting. The term “tsuuya” literally means “to pass the night,” emphasizing the attendees literally passing through the night with their deceased loved ones once more.
During the tsuuya, mourners take turns offering incense お焼香 (oshoukou) at the altar, a ritual act of purification and reverence. This gesture is not only a religious practice but also a way to express gratitude and connection to the departed. The atmosphere is solemn yet supportive, allowing those closest to the individual to begin the process of grief in the company of others who share their loss. Guests often bow in silence, whisper words of remembrance, or offer a simple prayer as they make their incense offering.
葬式 (Soushiki) – The Funeral Ceremony
The funeral ceremony, known as 葬式（soushiki) in Japanese, is typically held at a Buddhist temple or a specialized funeral hall, depending on the family's preference and religious practices. In most traditional cases, a Buddhist priest presides over the ceremony, chanting sutras 経文 (kyoumon) believed to help guide the soul of the deceased toward the afterlife, easing their spiritual transition.
This part of the Japanese funeral is solemn, highly ritualized, and attended not only by close relatives but also by extended family, friends, co-workers, and community members who come to pay their last respects. The formal setting, the priest's rhythmic chanting, and the incense-filled air create an atmosphere of deep reverence and reflection. Attendees typically wear formal black attire and follow strict etiquette as a sign of respect.
A number of symbolic and visual elements are included in the ceremony to honor the deceased. At the front of the room, an altar is set up with a framed photograph of the person who has passed, often surrounded by fresh flower arrangements, candles, and ceremonial tools. This setup serves as a focal point for mourners to gather their thoughts and offer their prayers. Guests take turns performing incense offerings , which involve bowing and placing incense into a burner, a meaningful gesture that represents purification and spiritual support for the deceased. Often, eulogies are given by family members or close acquaintances, sharing personal memories and expressing gratitude for the person’s life.
骨上げ(Kotsuage)- Cremation and Bone-Picking
:Nearly all Japanese funerals end with cremation. After the body has been cremated, family members participate in a ritual called 骨上げ(kotsuage), where they use large ceremonial chopsticks to transfer the remaining bones into an urn. This is a highly symbolic and emotional moment, marking the final physical connection to the deceased.
The ashes are then either kept at the family’s home temporarily (typically 49 days) or interred at a family grave during a later ceremony. This final step reflects the deep cultural value placed on ancestry and the continuing presence of loved ones in spiritual form.
What to Wear to a Japanese Funeral
Japanese funerals are highly formal events, and the clothing worn is a direct expression of respect for the deceased and their family. Attire is expected to be completely black, modest, and free of decoration. It’s not just about dressing nicely, specific choices, like shoe style and accessories, carry meaning and are closely observed.
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Attire for Men
Men should wear a plain black suit, preferably one without any shine or modern tailoring details. A white dress shirt and a solid black tie are essential, along with black dress shoes. Accessories should be minimal,no bright cufflinks or colored handkerchiefs. A subtle watch or ring may be worn, but only if it is simple and not flashy.
Attire for Women
Women are expected to wear a black dress or black suit that is conservative in style and length, ideally covering the knees and shoulders. Shoes should be black, closed-toe, and with low heels. Black stockings are also standard. Makeup should be understated, and jewelry should be avoided except for a simple pearl necklace, which is considered appropriate. Hair should be tied back neatly in a modest style.
Attire for Children
Children should also dress respectfully in simple black clothing. A black suit, dress, or school uniform is appropriate, depending on age and availability. Essentially kids should wear similar to their adult counterparts according to their gender.
Japanese Funeral Etiquette
When Attending a Japanese Funeral
Upon arriving at a Japanese funeral, it's customary to bow deeply to the bereaved family and offer a condolence. A common and appropriate phrase is:
お悔やみ申し上げます(Okuyami moushiagemasu) – “I offer my condolences.” This can be said in person or written in a condolence message.
During the service, it’s important to remain quiet, composed, and respectful. Guests are expected to stay for the entire ceremony, or at least until the cremation begins. When you arrive, you will typically sign a guest registry, and at that time, place your condolence money 香典 (kouden) discreetly into the designated tray beside the book. Loud conversations, emotional outbursts, or casual behavior are considered inappropriate.
Offering Condolence Money (Kouden)
Kouden should be prepared using a special white envelope with black or silver strings, known as a 香典袋 (kouden bukuro). These are available at most convenience stores or stationery shops in Japan. Never use a decorative or colorful envelope, simplicity and formality are key.
Importantly, use old bills, not crisp, new ones. This gesture reflects the belief that the death was unexpected, in contrast to weddings or celebratory occasions, where new bills show preparation and good wishes. Insert the money neatly and write your name clearly on the envelope
When Offering Incense
Offering incense is a central part of paying respects at a Japanese funeral, and it follows a quiet, orderly process. Guests are usually called up one by one, starting with close relatives and moving outward to more distant family and friends. You’ll be guided when it’s your turn, so there’s no need to worry about when to go.
If powdered incense 抹香 (makko) is used, pinch a small amount with your right hand, bow slightly, and bring the incense to your forehead. Then, gently sprinkle it into the incense burner.
If stick incense 線香 (senkou) is provided instead, use your right hand to pick up a stick and light it using the provided candle. Extinguish the flame by gently waving it out or using your left hand, never blow it out. Place the incense stick in the burner and bow respectfully once before returning to your seat.
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After the Japanese Funeral: Things to Know and Consider
Customs
In Japan, certain customs are followed after attending a funeral to prevent the spread of spiritual impurity associated with death. It is considered best to avoid visiting other people directly after a funeral, as it’s believed that death brings a kind of spiritual pollution 穢れ (kegare). To cleanse this, it’s common to be offered salt at the entrance of a home, which you lightly sprinkle on yourself before entering. This small ritual symbolizes purification and a return to daily life.
Home Altar
A 仏壇 (butsudan) is a Buddhist home altar dedicated to honoring deceased family members. It’s a space for daily offerings, such as food, flowers, incense, and prayers, and serves as a spiritual link between the living and the ancestors. Family members often stop at the altar in the morning or evening to pay respects and speak quietly to their loved ones.
Memorial Services
Memorial services, known as 法事 (houji), are held at key intervals after a person’s death, typically on the 7th, 49th, and 100th days. These days are believed to be spiritually significant, especially the 49th day, which marks the end of the official mourning period in many Buddhist traditions. On these occasions, family members visit the grave, offer incense and flowers, and sometimes host a small gathering. After these early milestones, memorial visits often continue annually or during Obon, when it’s believed that ancestral spirits return home.
Mourning Period
The traditional mourning period lasts 49 days, during which family and close relatives often avoid celebrations, such as weddings, parties, or other festive events. In more traditional or conservative households, individuals may continue wearing black clothing or maintain a quiet and reserved appearance during this time. This period is viewed as a sacred space for reflection and honoring the deceased.
会食 (Kaishoku) – Gathering After the Funeral
After the cremation or funeral ceremony, it is customary for the close family and guests to attend a post-funeral meal called 会食 (kaishoku), or sometimes 精進落とし (shoujin otoshi). The term “shoujin otoshi” refers to ending the period of strict, simple Buddhist meals that follow death.
What is the Value of Kaishoku?
This meal is meant to thank the guests, provide a moment of emotional release, and mark the end of that day’s rituals. It is also a time when people share stories and memories of the deceased in a more relaxed and communal setting, helping everyone feel a sense of connection and closure.
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Traditions, Customs, and How to Take Part
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What to Do/Say if You Can’t Attend a Japanese Funeral
Expressing Condolences (Verbally or in Writing)
| Romaji | Goshuushou sama desu |
| Japanese | ご愁傷様です |
| English | I’m sorry for your loss |
It is a very common and formal expression used at funerals or when speaking to someone who has lost a loved one.
| Romaji | Kokoro yori okuyami moushiagemasu |
| Japanese | 心より お悔やみ申し上げます |
| English | My heartfelt condolences |
It is often used in written messages such as condolence letters or cards, but it can also be said in person, especially if you want to express your feelings with extra care.
Explain Why You Can’t Attend
If you cannot attend a funeral in Japan, it’s important to express your apologies in a polite and formal manner.
| Romaji | Moushiwake arimasen ga, yamu o enai jijyou ni yori, sougi ni sanretsu suru koto ga dekimasen |
| Japanese | 申し訳ありませんが、やむを得ない事情により、葬儀に参列することができません |
| English | I’m very sorry, but due to unavoidable circumstances, I am unable to attend the funeral |
It’s respectful and appropriate, even if you are close to the person.This message can be sent in a condolence letter known as お悔やみ状（okuyami-jou. Such letters should be simple, formal, and humble. Avoid casual language, emojis, or cheerful phrases like また会いましょう(mata aimashou) – “see you again”, which are not appropriate in mourning contexts. Instead, focus on expressing sympathy and regret for not being present.
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Follow up
Even if you are unable to attend the funeral itself, it is considered thoughtful and respectful to follow up later. This can include visiting the bereaved family after some time has passed, once the immediate mourning period has settled. Another way to show continued support is by attending a memorial service, known as 法要（houyou), if you are invited. These services are held at key times after a person’s passing, such as the 49th day or the first anniversary, and your presence can be a quiet but meaningful gesture of care and remembrance.
Learn more about Japanese funeral rituals Here.
墓地 (Bochi)-Japanese Graveyards
What to Expect at a Japanese Family Grave
Japanese family graves are often located near temples or in countryside cemeteries, and they usually consist of stone tombs called お墓 (ohaka). Unlike individual burial plots, these tombs are shared by generations of one family. After cremation, the urn containing the ashes is placed inside the family grave, unless the family chooses to keep the urn at home or in a columbarium. The grave itself is considered a sacred place for honoring and reconnecting with ancestors.
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Visiting Habits
Grave-visiting customs can vary depending on the family. Some families visit graves regularly, while others go mostly during special occasions, such as Obon (a summer festival to welcome ancestral spirits) or on death anniversaries 命日 (meinichi).
During a visit, it’s common to perform simple rituals: cleaning the grave, offering fresh flowers, burning incense, and sometimes pouring water over the gravestone using a ladle called 柄杓 (hishaku). These gestures are meant to purify the site, show respect, and maintain the connection between the living and the deceased.
How have Japanese Funerals Changed?
Shift from Home or Temples to Funeral Halls
In recent decades, Japan has seen a noticeable shift in funeral practices, from traditional ceremonies held at home or temples to those conducted in dedicated funeral halls. These modern facilities are designed specifically for funeral services and offer professional staff, on-site cremation services, catering, and ceremony spaces, all under one roof. This change reflects both practical and social factors: as families become smaller and more urbanized, hosting a funeral at home or coordinating with a temple can be difficult and stressful. For busy or aging families, funeral halls offer greater convenience, organization, and privacy, allowing them to focus on mourning without the added burden of complex logistics. While temples still play a significant role, especially in religious rites, funeral halls have become the new norm across many parts of Japan.
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Simplification of Rituals and Change of Attitudes Towards Religion
Another major trend is the simplification of funeral rituals, especially among younger generations. In the past, funerals were often multi-day events that included a wake , a formal funeral ceremony , cremation, and sometimes extended memorial gatherings. Today, more families are choosing smaller and simpler services, often opting for a “one-day funeral” 一日葬 (ichinichisou), which condenses the wake and funeral into a single event. In some cases, families may even choose to skip the wake entirely, especially if the guest list is small or if the death was expected.
This shift also reflects changing attitudes toward religion. While Buddhist rites are still commonly practiced, especially by older generations, many younger people feel less connected to organized religion. As a result, some funerals are becoming more secular or personalized, focusing on the deceased’s life and personality rather than religious ritual. Families may include music, photos, letters, or symbolic items that reflect the individual, creating a more intimate and meaningful farewell. These changes show how Japanese funeral practices are adapting to modern lifestyles, while still retaining a strong sense of respect and remembrance.
Final Thoughts
A Japanese funeral is a deeply respectful and highly ritualized way of honoring the deceased, shaped by centuries of tradition and cultural values. From the wake 通夜 (tsuuya) to the funeral ceremony 葬儀 (sougi), cremation, and the bone-picking ritual 骨上げ (kotsuage), each stage follows established customs that help both the living and the dead navigate the transition of loss. Wearing formal black attire, offering incense, and expressing condolences are more than formalities, they are meaningful gestures that reflect social duty, spiritual reverence, and respect for the family.
Even as modern families increasingly opt for simplified formats like one-day funerals 一日葬 (ichinichisou) or professional funeral halls, the core values remain. Mourning continues beyond the ceremony through home altars 仏壇 (butsudan), grave visits お墓 (ohaka), and annual memorials 法事 (houji), preserving bonds across generations. Understanding these customs allows you to show sincere respect, whether you are attending a service or simply learning about the culture.
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